IMG_3597.JPG October 21

Did you guys know that we look awesome?

I assume you do, but just in case, here are a couple of pictures of Rebecca and me looking ludicrously amazing at a recent wedding that we attended.

IMG_5473.JPG October 21

My new favourite person

As I slaved away at work today, a chap came in with a look of neutered interest, and began half-glancing at a few of the cards we had on the stands. ‘Let me know if you need a hand with anything,’ I said, met with a half-smile from him. He told me he had an […]

IMG_3638.JPG September 25

First Class Fraud

I’d spent the day in hospital at my ladyfriend’s bedside, but had to leave to catch the last train home. As I reached the platform, it pulled up and I realised that I was stood next to the ‘First Class’ carriage. I stared down the platform for a moment, to wonder if I could even […]

IMG_2721-0.JPG September 07

I’ve finally settled on which glasses to buy…

Because I can’t pull off ‘legitimately cool’, but I can totally pull off ‘quirky, pretentious idiot who probably finds it therapeutic to count things’.

Screen Shot 2014-08-26 at 11.26.36 August 26

Waiting in this clothes shop while Becky tries stuff on…

Fortunately, the girls on the shop posters are doling out free handjobs.

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in, he’d made his costume himself. It was a Pilates class. He immediately realised his mistake.

Screen Shot 2014-08-26 at 11.54.30 August 26

Visiting the Patriarch

My father/dad/pops/old man owns some rather cool stuff. I visited him last week and decided to take a bunch of pictures of some of them (because it’s easier than making conversation). (just kidding, dad) Had I known that I’d be making this post, I would have probably bothered to take a bunch of nicer photos of a […]

Screen Shot 2014-08-26 at 11.43.46 August 26

I got an underwater phone case for my birthday!

Basically, it’s so that I can listen to music while I swim, because I kind of want to be slightly less in-terrible-shape than I currently am, so I’m going to try to exercise a little more (and I’m secretly getting away with free swimming pool membership at a place nearby, because they think I still work for the […]

20140803-205046-75046764.jpg August 03

Can someone come and get this dog?

His presence out of my window is making me depressed.

20140727-182822-66502265.jpg July 27

God damn it, Google.

So my friend Charlie and I were discussing those Google App commercials where Google basically pretends that no one has even heard of Siri over the last couple of years, and makes out that asking your phone questions is still super amazing. The annoying thing, however, is that in the commercials, Google doesn’t seem to […]

20140724-154838-56918015.jpg July 24

Keep it together, officer…

Here’s an unusual encounter that befell me yesterday. I was at work, quite quiet, very hot, when in walked a fully uniformed policeman. They occasionally make the rounds in my area, popping in just to say hello and reinforce their presence. This chap, however, was a little more memorable than many of his predecessors.

20140722-190923-68963197.jpg July 22

So, I got asked out today…

… and it was agonisingly awkward. There was a girl in my shop with (presumably) her parents. She was maybe 18-24, I’m useless with guessing ages, and had bright blue hair (and for the record, I am quite a fan of bright, dyed hair). Anyway, she sort of shot me a few smiles, and I […]

20140721-233321-84801368.jpg July 21

Like my mother always says:

‘If you put on a tie, no one will notice the giant, gross, dark bags under your sad, tired eyes.’

20140721-230906-83346076.jpg July 21

‘Oh my god, I am just SO sarcastic!’

I hate people constantly over-describing themselves as ‘sarcastic’, as if it’s one of their main character traits. ‘Hi, I’m Felix. I’m 6’2″, dark-haired, sarcastic.’ You can’t just be sarcastic. Are you being sarcastic when you call yourself sarcastic, because you can’t identify your entire being as ‘sarcastic’ if what you mean is ‘I often, but […]

20140721-152135-55295955.jpg July 21

Who wants to see what I do for a living?

Well, I could have joined my brother in the Royal Air Force, or my other brother in the London Metropolitan Police, but I figured that what I really enjoy is playing with lego, so here’s a link to my work blog, in which I… basically play with lego. Enjoy. Visit the Detail Blog!

20140720-233526-84926529.jpg July 20

See, I can do artsy, pretentious photography too…

Well, you know… sometimes. If I just happen to be sitting by the lake with my ladyfriend when the sun decides to glare off of my camera like a monochromatic, upside down rainbow. Also, I feel like I should work the word ‘dappled’ into this somehow. Hipsters love the word ‘dappled’.

20140719-184437-67477062.jpg July 19

Dialogue you’ll never hear in a movie

*phone rings* Bad guy: Are we finally ready to negotiate? Good guy: Look, god, I’ll bring you the damn money, just please don’t hurt my family, please. Bad guy: Very well. You have 8 hours. Good guy: I, uh… 8 hours? Dude, it’s like a 10 hour drive just to get to you. Bad guy: […]

My cat’s scratching at my bedroom door and I’m holding my breath so he doesn’t know I’m in here. I’M A PRISONER IN MY OWN GOD DAMN HOME.

Recently attended an afternoon tea party with two hundred white people, and Coolio’s ‘Gangster’s Paradise’ was the first song to blare out over the sound system.

20140716-230259-82979360.jpg July 16

If elevator music was impregnanted by call waiting music…

Sadly, the music playing license at the shop in which I work has expired without renewal, and so gone are the days of the Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, David Bowie, and a myriad of other brilliant and accomplished artists, and here to stay are the days of free, unlicensed noise fodder from the internet, literally […]

20140714-002321-1401928.jpg July 13

Bedtime Battles

My ladyfriend and I have occasionally been listening to the soundtrack to Child of Light (a fantastic, artistic playstation RPG) when we go to bed, as it has some delightful and whimsical piano-centred melodies that help me in the whole going to sleep business that I seem to be so unskilled at. The significant downside […]

20140714-000401-241113.jpg July 13

Remember your place, tiny Lego duck family…

I created you, AND I CAN DESTROY YOU.

20140708-111614-am-40574079.jpg July 08

Photo Photo?

A typical day at work (a typically quiet day at work) was interrupted earlier when an adorable Chinese couple came in to my store for a little look around. They perused the stock for a short while, before the young lady glanced over at me and began whispering to her male companion (which immediately made […]

Fitness Regimen

I’m off and alone today so I’m being all super excercisey and doing loads of super exercise and the second I’m done, I’m going to open up a cherry coke and stick my stuffed crust pizza in the oven. I’m not doing this right, am I? Am I? Maybe I am. Fuck, I love pizza. […]

20140514-095409.jpg May 14

So, I had this dream last night…

I know, I know. Telling us about a dream you had? You *must* be out of ideas. Well, the absence of posts in the last couple of months probably could have told you that, but hey, it was a pretty good dream, so just shut up and read. You know how in Tekken/Mortal Kombat style […]

20140504-193002.jpg May 04

Say what you want about literally any aspect of my life, appearance, or personality…

… but at least I’m wearing a waistcoat today.

Screen Shot 2014-04-01 at 15.44.38 April 26

Cray-ders of The Lost Ark

I know, right? Shitty title. It’s fine whatever. It’ll make sense. A family just came into my store: momma, dadda, baby (probably about 2 years old, I don’t know kid ages. Is a two year old still technically even a baby?). I spoke to the parents about clocks for a short while, before the little […]

20140419-234910.jpg April 19

Warning: this card is stupid

Okay, so I have to look at this card at work every day, and I’ve decided to let you guys in on why it pisses me off so much.

20140418-141045.jpg April 18

Are you serious with that spelling, you guys?

6 and 7 down. I know, right?

20140418-140420.jpg April 18

Obligatory Selfie #462

I’ve officially reached the point where the next time my boss sees me, she is definitely going to realise that I’ve been wearing one of the same two or three outfits to work every single day for the last six months. Lady, I can’t afford new clothes. Maybe I need a raise!

20140418-135759.jpg April 18

So there’s a bit in The Dark Knight…

… where The Joker walks into Harvey Dent’s hospital room dressed as a nurse, and even though he’s a 6 foot guy with hairy arms, a broad chest, a white painted face, and tons of black make up around his eyes, Harvey doesn’t recognise him until he removes the only-covering-his-mouth face mask. Okay. That just […]

20140404-034547-am.jpg April 04

Apparently tonight’s hairstyle has settled upon ‘anime super-villain’.

20140401-083349-pm.jpg April 01

Man, this cat is a dick to plastic bags.

That’ll teach me…

I’ve spent days deliberating over the perfect wording of excellent jokes that turned out to be less successful than this tweet. It was legitimately my water meter reading and I didn’t have a pen. You people are weird.

20140331-192325.jpg March 31

Super Dumb Guy

A super dumb guy just came into my store with a presumably equally dumb friend (they pulled up outside in a transit van, you guys; they’re transit van dumb). The super dumb one (the first super dumb one, not the second dumb one that didn’t talk much but has been assumed to be being equally […]

20140331-191321.jpg March 31

Just pissin’

20140331-190839.jpg March 31

Remember that time I was awesome for my twitter avatar?

Well, this is that awesome.

20140331-065454-pm.jpg March 31

I refuse to eat food that I can’t spell out my name with

20140331-181627.jpg March 31

Some people are just sick

Awkward Customer Interaction: Special Edition

*as I carefully gift wrap an item that a young lady is purchasing* Her: Don’t worry about making it too neat. It’s fine like that. Me: Oh, sorry. That’s just me being anal. Her: Haha, that’s okay. I like anal. Me: Phrasing. Her: Wha – oh, god.

20140320-040656-pm.jpg March 20

Awkward Customer Interaction #4843

The story of how a stranger came in to my shop and kind of asked me to cheat on my girlfriend.

BODIES

A customer just popped in and, after a bit of mooching around, came over to the counter to pay for a mug. As she did, she smiled and said ‘My husbands going to be so furious. “Just what we need,” he’ll say, “another bloody mug!”’ In response, I laughed and said ‘There are certainly worse […]

Girl, you’re so pretty like a painting; I just want to sit in front of you and discuss what your parents were trying to convey when they created you.

I’m giving up listening to people telling me what they’re giving up for lent for lent.

20140317-233548.jpg March 17

After six and a bit years, I’ve finally taken my favourite ever picture of my girlfriend.

I don’t know, it’s something about the way she looks like she kind of hates me, right? Look at her, just putting up with me, quietly wishing for a different life. Awww, she’s so cute with her hopes and dreams of something better.

17th of March, 2014

My girlfriend was planning on wearing matching underwear for the very first time*. *but then didn’t, because she couldn’t find a black bra

20140317-100420-pm.jpg March 17

Nice try, mirror. Nice fucking try.

20140317-215349.jpg March 17

The Perks of Being a Poker Pro: A Brief Commercial Break

Our usual banal content will resume after this brief commercial break!

20140314-112348-pm.jpg March 14

Texting my Brother

Marcus: Who’d have thought there was a bus operating in Knowl Hill! I’m genuinely taking the bus to Maidenhead right now! Me: My phone accidentally deleted all my numbers, but I’ll assume that this is Marcus, the only person uninteresting enough to text me things about bus routes. Does this mean that your morning commute […]

20140311-032559-pm.jpg March 11

Never use twitter humour in the company of total strangers, Felix

A customer popped in to work today and, after a bit of mooching around, came over to the counter to pay for a mug. As she did, she smiled and said ‘My husbands going to be so furious. “Just what we need,” he’ll say, “another bloody mug!”‘ In response, I laughed and said ‘There are […]

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