20140418-141045.jpg April 18

Are you serious with that spelling, you guys?

6 and 7 down. I know, right?

20140418-140420.jpg April 18

Obligatory Selfie #462

I’ve officially reached the point where the next time my boss sees me, she is definitely going to realise that I’ve been wearing one of the same two or three outfits to work every single day for the last six months. Lady, I can’t afford new clothes. Maybe I need a raise!

20140418-135759.jpg April 18

So there’s a bit in The Dark Knight…

… where The Joker walks into Harvey Dent’s hospital room dressed as a nurse, and even though he’s a 6 foot guy with hairy arms, a broad chest, a white painted face, and tons of black make up around his eyes, Harvey doesn’t recognise him until he removes the only-covering-his-mouth face mask. Okay. That just […]

20140404-034547-am.jpg April 04

Apparently tonight’s hairstyle has settled upon ‘anime super-villain’.

20140401-083349-pm.jpg April 01

Man, this cat is a dick to plastic bags.

That’ll teach me…

I’ve spent days deliberating over the perfect wording of excellent jokes that turned out to be less successful than this tweet. It was legitimately my water meter reading and I didn’t have a pen. You people are weird.

20140331-192325.jpg March 31

Super Dumb Guy

A super dumb guy just came into my store with a presumably equally dumb friend (they pulled up outside in a transit van, you guys; they’re transit van dumb). The super dumb one (the first super dumb one, not the second dumb one that didn’t talk much but has been assumed to be being equally […]

20140331-191321.jpg March 31

Just pissin’

20140331-190839.jpg March 31

Remember that time I was awesome for my twitter avatar?

Well, this is that awesome.

20140331-065454-pm.jpg March 31

I refuse to eat food that I can’t spell out my name with

20140331-181627.jpg March 31

Some people are just sick

Awkward Customer Interaction: Special Edition

*as I carefully gift wrap an item that a young lady is purchasing* Her: Don’t worry about making it too neat. It’s fine like that. Me: Oh, sorry. That’s just me being anal. Her: Haha, that’s okay. I like anal. Me: Phrasing. Her: Wha – oh, god.

20140320-040656-pm.jpg March 20

Awkward Customer Interaction #4843

The story of how a stranger came in to my shop and kind of asked me to cheat on my girlfriend.

BODIES

A customer just popped in and, after a bit of mooching around, came over to the counter to pay for a mug. As she did, she smiled and said ‘My husbands going to be so furious. “Just what we need,” he’ll say, “another bloody mug!”’ In response, I laughed and said ‘There are certainly worse […]

Girl, you’re so pretty like a painting; I just want to sit in front of you and discuss what your parents were trying to convey when they created you.

I’m giving up listening to people telling me what they’re giving up for lent for lent.

20140317-233548.jpg March 17

After six and a bit years, I’ve finally taken my favourite ever picture of my girlfriend.

I don’t know, it’s something about the way she looks like she kind of hates me, right? Look at her, just putting up with me, quietly wishing for a different life. Awww, she’s so cute with her hopes and dreams of something better.

17th of March, 2014

My girlfriend was planning on wearing matching underwear for the very first time*. *but then didn’t, because she couldn’t find a black bra

20140317-100420-pm.jpg March 17

Nice try, mirror. Nice fucking try.

20140317-215349.jpg March 17

The Perks of Being a Poker Pro: A Brief Commercial Break

Our usual banal content will resume after this brief commercial break!

20140314-112348-pm.jpg March 14

Texting my Brother

Marcus: Who’d have thought there was a bus operating in Knowl Hill! I’m genuinely taking the bus to Maidenhead right now! Me: My phone accidentally deleted all my numbers, but I’ll assume that this is Marcus, the only person uninteresting enough to text me things about bus routes. Does this mean that your morning commute […]

20140311-032559-pm.jpg March 11

Never use twitter humour in the company of total strangers, Felix

A customer popped in to work today and, after a bit of mooching around, came over to the counter to pay for a mug. As she did, she smiled and said ‘My husbands going to be so furious. “Just what we need,” he’ll say, “another bloody mug!”‘ In response, I laughed and said ‘There are […]

20140309-111554-pm.jpg March 09

I found a cardigan that makes me look like a crotchety old man and it’s now the focal point for my entire fashion sense.

My Interesting Sunday Afternoon

My tiring work day was drawing to a close. Luckily, as it’s a Sunday, I was set to finish at 3:30. I had no customers in from about 2:45 onwards, so I figured I’d be quick out the door. Fuck that. At literally 2:29, some people came in. They pottered around for a bit, and […]

You gaze out the window and begin tediously referring to yourself in the second person.

20140226-221802.jpg February 26

Gratuitous Picture of Myself

Does this need a caption? We all know what’s going on here.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 6 has a severe anxiety disorder. He’s actually scared of all the other numbers; I don’t know why I specifically mentioned 7.

20140221-092028-pm.jpg February 21

Dean Winchester’s Favourite Song

Becky and I were watching Supernatural earlier, and, in a scene wherein Dean’s identity was being questioned, he was asked about his favourite song, to which he replied that one of his top two was Led Zeppelin’s ‘Rambing On’. I don’t know if this is just me being picky, but… bro, it’s ‘Ramble On’. That’s, […]

20140221-040642-pm.jpg February 21

Sick Becky is Hilarious Becky

Lazily procured from Felix’s Instagram (which you should totally follow).

20140220-042915-pm.jpg February 20

So I bit the bullet and joined Instagram

And I might be worth a follow, if anyone still even uses it! Felix’s Instagram

20140219-195350.jpg February 19

Sorry, Becky… I found someone better

So I was in the Co-op (local grocery shop) and I turned a corner down one of the aisles and there was a girl on her knees, hurriedly picking up all of the tic tac boxes from the tic tac box display case that she had apparently knocked on the floor. I walked near her […]

2-angry-girls February 18

Way to get too comfortable talking to strangers, Felix.

Because you guys always enjoy hearing about me embarrassing myself, right? I was at work yesterday (as I am today, but that isn’t relevant to the story) when an elderly lady and two late-teenaged girls came in; I’ll assume this was a grandmother-grandaughter-grandaughter’s friend type scenario. The elderly lady began wandering around the store looking […]

Age is just a number; kind of like how ‘Eww, that’s gross. What’s wrong with you, you creepy fucking pervert?’ is just a sentence.

20140215-062621-pm.jpg February 15

The little lady made strawberry roses for Valentine’s Day

(which is nothing without the melted chocolate we then dipped them into) (I swear, this girl is a freaking genius)

20140214-121827.jpg February 14

When Becky makes me a hot drink, she only fills the mug about two thirds of the way up…

… and when this flailing relationship comes to an abrupt, but inevitable, end, I can guarantee you, that this will have been a factor. (also, she never stirs in the sugar so it just sits in the bottom like sludge, but I’ll let that go for now because it’s hot chocolate, so there’s no sugar […]

20140214-064336-pm.jpg February 14

Come on, Netflix. Don’t ask stupid questions.

Happy(ish) Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is a funny holiday because it’s like… everyone hates it, right? And not in the way that divorced kids hate Christmas or native Americans hate Thanksgiving or recovering alcoholics hate St Patrick’s Day. It’s like everyone hates it; whether it’s because they’re single and wish they weren’t, or single and sick of seeing […]

20140212-185950.jpg February 12

Cheese Things

Becky dragged me to the supermarket cheese counter today in an effort to find the half-remembered cheese of yesteryear that she didn’t hate, and the lady at the counter decided to let us try literally every cheese she could think of. This taught me two important things. 1. Becky is quite picky when it comes […]

loki_in_thor_2-wide February 12

The Norse God Rap Battle: Loki vs The Pantheon

The following is a genuine recounting of a part of the Norse Mythology. There exists a poem called Lokasenna in which Loki (you know, the super sexy Tom Hiddleston from the Marvel franchise one) is hanging out and having a few drinks with some of the Æsir (gods), but is kicked out after inexplicably murdering a waiter […]

‘I got really bad carpet burn last night,’ and other sentences that seem inherently sexual but aren’t necessarily.

Häagen‑Dazs: because men are assholes.

20140211-183429.jpg February 11

Texting Charlie – Part Two

Me: *discussing my lying, cheating, stealing, ex-girlfriend* Charlie: I can’t believe she was a Muslim. She was the worst Muslim ever; apart from, like, Osama Bin Laden, maybe… Me: I swear, to that girl, the Quran may as well have been a sanitary pad. Charlie: Quranpon. Me: SanAllahtary pad. Charlie: Qurantraceptive pill. Me: Quarondom. Charlie: […]

20140211-114852-am.jpg February 11

Texting Charlie – Part One

Me: Have you heard from Matt recently? Sophie just called me saying that he sounded upset about something when she spoke to him. Charlie: Are you sure? You know what Sophie’s like. Besides, Matt’s with his girlfriend. Maybe that was just his ‘I very recently had sex’ voice? You know the one I mean? Me: I […]

20140211-000736.jpg February 11

Led Zeppelin has just been added to spotify…

… and, as far as I’m concerned, that’s basically better than a ten hundred percent raise for me, because now I can play Zeppelin in the store, and so my job has just gotten exponentially better. I’ve wished that they were on Spotify for so damn long, because it’s the only music system I can […]

‘Hey, so… I know I said I wasn’t mad about that thing you said two weeks ago, but now I’ve had some time to think about it and actually, I totally am.’ – girls

If you find someone who makes you laugh, you should marry them; not that making you laugh is particularly special, but you’re not getting any younger and it beats dying alone.

20140208-070451-pm.jpg February 08

The Bearschwitz Teddicide

Because apparently this shop keeper thought that a window display depicting a gallows gallery of hanging teddy bears would be an appropriate way to advertise her stock. P.S. I know. The title. I’m sorry. If you can think of a better teddy bear / genocide pun or portmanteau, please leave a comment!

20140207-232843.jpg February 07

Two of the cuter things the world has to offer…

A blond girl in a onesie, and a little black cat. My home life contains an abundance of adorability.

‘Why are you other guys even here, I obviously don’t need you,’ said the q to the other letters in the word ‘queue’.

20140206-200606.jpg February 06

So, guess who got a new jacket?

Me. I did. I got a new jacket. It was kind of a rhetorical question, bro. I’m surprised you didn’t get that. I know what you’re thinking; you’re thinking ‘Hey Felix, do you have the fashion sense of a slightly camp militia man from maybe nineteenth century France?‘ Well, dear reader. Scroll down.

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